Men and Women, Sex and OrgasmTraining from Effect One of the keys to success in extended orgasm is being able to communicate effectively with your partner: and there is a simple straightforward way in which you can do this, and it's a system that also works in many situations including everyday life outside the bedroom, not just when you're a man who wants to know how to make a woman orgasm. To get somebody to work with you most effectively, it's always helpful to use the following system of communication: start by saying something positive, expressed in a way so it's clear to your partner that you're sharing the experience with them and you understand their experience, then ask them for whatever it is that you wish them to do, and next acknowledge their response as soon as they've made it, and finally express anything that you would wish to be done differently in the future. So for example, if you wanted somebody to handle your clitoris differently during the extended orgasm process, you might start by saying "You're really good at what you're doing." The next step would be to say something like "I enjoy sharing this experience with you and I understand how much it means to you and how exciting it is for you when you put your finger in my vagina." After this you could say "I wonder if you could just pay attention to my clitoris alone?" As soon as the person pleasuring you responds to this, whether it's a large or small response, you can acknowledge them by saying something like "It feels wonderful when you rub so gently on my pearl." If it goes wrong, and you find that instead of rubbing, to take an extreme example, your clitoris that they're actually fondling your vaginal opening, you can go back to the first step and say something like: "You have such a nice touch." The next step is to go back to step two, and say "I wonder if you'd mind rubbing about two inches higher on my clitoris?" and as soon as they are heading in the right direction, you can reward them and reinforce their actions by saying something like "Now that feels absolutely wonderful, you just found my clitoris sensitive spot." This is non-judgmental communication, and it's also non-violent communication, in the sense that it doesn't contain any aggression and it's entirely compassionate. It's by far the best way to engage with somebody when you're actually trying to go through a process that requires the most intimate communication on all levels between the two of you. It's just up to you to find a way in which to communicate effectively so that you get the outcome you want. One of the problems with this is that people forget to use the approval step, so make sure that you only give one instruction at a time, and try not to confuse the issue by asking for more than one thing to be changed at once: don't, for example, ask to be rubbed higher, harder and faster all the same time, because if only one or two of these things happen, you will need to separate the individual components of your request and apply the communication method described above individually. So keep it simple and just deal with one thing at a time. The point is that the more the person who's pleasuring you feels approved of, and the more they perceive you to be thankful for what they're doing, the more willing they will be to follow your next request or instruction. So make sure that you precede and follow each request with some expression of approval and thanks. That way harmony is going to be maintained and you're going to get a good outcome -- and so is the person who's pleasuring you. So you might want to practice this communication method before you start going for the extended orgasm, using it while you stimulate some area of your body that is not as sensitive as your genitals: it's a very good idea to do this because it allows you to establish greater intimacy and connection as well. And don't forget to use this communication tool in all situations, not just sexual ones, because by doing so you'll be adding positivity to the world, and you'll certainly be adding harmony and light in the lives of people you meet. I've already mentioned that one of the keys to actually having a successful extended orgasm experience is to stay in the present. This means you're not thinking about what's happening in the world outside the bedroom (if that's where you're having the extended orgasm experience), and it means that your partner isn't thinking about anything out of the zone either (the zone simply being a word meaning the emotional, physical and spiritual space in which you're enjoying your experience of extended orgasm together). What you need to aim for is a state where you're thinking about nothing except what is happening between you and your partner and their orgasm. Now, paradoxically, talking to your partner is actually not a bad way to keep your attention on what you're doing and your focus in the present moment. So for example, if you're a man pleasuring woman, and you're feeling aroused and excited by what is happening in front of you, why not feed it back to her? So for example you might want to say things like:
Don't make these statements labored, just simply enjoy telling your partner what you're seeing and feeling: "Your scent is delightful and it's really turning me on"; "I can see you glowing with energy and pleasure"; "My cock is responding to the excitement of feeling your cunt"; "Your breasts are sexy and they're really turning me on"; "I can feel the energy of your clitoris in my finger and it's spreading all the way through me to my cock"; "Your pussy smells fantastic and your juice taste sweet"; "You're oozing ejaculate and it's really turning me on." Obviously the exact sort of statements you use in this situation will depend on the level of intimacy that you have with your partner, so you want to make sure that what you say to her is appropriate to your relationship and the situation you're sharing. You also want to try and encourage your partner to express how they're feeling, using words that are clear and to the point, because if they think too hard they'll take themselves out of the experience. It doesn't have to be complicated language, and it's good to hear them say what's on their mind because that will help them stay in the experience, and stay with you whilst you give that experience to them. It's all about staying in the present. Also, communicating the level of pleasure they're experiencing helps them to acknowledge and absorb it, so that they can better appreciate it. It's also helpful if you acknowledge the pleasure that you're feeling as you stimulate your partner and take them to an extended climax during sex. Lasting longer is better for everyone during sex - it provides considerably more pleasure. This is such an intimate experience, and it can serve as a model for everyday life: appreciation, understanding and acknowledgement of the efforts people make for each other can change relationships. It will benefit both of you to offer as much positive encouragement and acknowledgement as you can while staying firmly in the moment and enjoying what you're experiencing with each other. While you're in the midst of the experience, don't start comparing this experience with previous ones or making judgments about how the experience should or could feel. It is what it is, and it is to be enjoyed in the moment. This doesn't mean that you can't issue instructions to your partner; you certainly can, and it will properly help the experience if you do, because as we've mentioned before, you're demonstrating that you're in charge and what your intentions are. So, express with great clarity things that you feel would help such as telling your partner: relax your body; relax into my hand; let go; be fully in your body; pay attention to everything that is happening to you in your body; focus on how you're feeling; Just give me your body; let me take care of you; Just enjoy what you're experiencing; There's no pressure on you here. Such statements show the person who is being pleasured that they don't have to put any effort into the process - they just need to listen, occasionally express what they're feeling, and respond to what their bodies with acceptance and enjoyment. Then, they'll be able to enjoy a higher level of sensation every time you peak them. And as you pleasure them, make sure you don't acknowledge any mistakes you've made or give the impression that you've slipped up. Even if you do slip up, or make a mistake, you can always pretend that it was deliberate, so that your partner retains full confidence in your ability. It's important that you don't limit the experience of the person you're pleasuring by having low expectations, or even by being frightened of what they're experiencing. For example, no matter how massive their orgasmic experience seems to be, make sure you are relaxed about it: encourage them, help them to feel that they can make a mess if they're going to ejaculate, that's it doesn't matter, and that they can fill the room with their orgasm if they wish to! Any doubts that person being pleasured has about you will cause them to transfer energy from their orgasm into an energetic defense to protect themselves against the feeling that you can't be trusted or you don't know what you're doing. Also, leave your ego outside the room and pick it up later as you leave -- that helps to make sure that you're not putting any pressure on yourself or your partner to have an orgasm, rather than just make yourself feel good. If at any point during an extended orgasm experience you begin to realize that you're not focusing on what's happening in the room in front of you, take a break and talk to your partner; if you're not fully present, it's quite likely that your partner is not fully present either, and the sooner you can both establish new connection and get back into the moment the better. If you feel your partner's gone away and you want to take a break to re-establish connection with them it's quite acceptable to acknowledge with them what's going on. You might even want to evaluate the orgasmic experience up tit that point, so that both of you know what your intentions are when you restart stimulation. Discussing what happened after it's finished is also a good idea because you can get feedback which will help the process next time you go through it, and you can add acknowledgement and appreciation for both your efforts. Focusing on what went well, what you enjoyed, is good because it will allow you to remember these things and use them next time you start working towards extended climax. Acknowledgement and encouragement allow you both to develop motivation to keep your mind on the process, and by communicating as it proceeds, you can ensure that both of you surrender your control, and the person being pleasure surrenders their nervous system into the pleasurer's hands. It's important that you both understand that no matter what your body looks like, it's still a wonderful thing that is capable of giving you great pleasure: this isn't a beauty contest, nor is it a contest about sex positions or skills. You'll see how both of those things are ego-based, and therefore likely to take you both away from the success of the experience. If we had to sum up the key to this experience in a word, it would be acceptance: which means acceptance of body, acceptance of experience, acceptance of partner, acceptance of whatever the universe delivers ... and acceptance that you have the ability to change the situation so that you get what you want. It's worth emphasizing, however, that not everybody is relaxed about their body. People are obsessed with their genitals, how they look, and how they work, and also concerned with how they express their orgasm. The truth of the matter is, we're all human, and we're all slightly different. And yet we are more similar than we are different, in that we all enjoy orgasm, and we all do have the ability to relinquish our obsessions with appearance and function and just accept that whatever happens to us is a glorious orgasmic pleasure. Bear in mind that somebody with a large penis or prominent labia may not be able to achieve as good an orgasm as you do. For men, who tend to be competitive, having an ejaculation which only dribbles, or a penis that is not very large, or perhaps even a body that is not very well shaped or fit, can be an obstacle to letting go and enjoying the experience. There's no easy way to overcome this except to develop self-acceptance: that's something that comes with time and maturity, but let's just express it this way -- human beings who are aware and enlightened don't judge each other on the basis of what their genitals look like; they accept someone on the basis of other human qualities. A man with a tiny penis can give a woman more pleasure if he focuses on her than a lover with a big cock who is self-obsessed and egotistical. A woman whose labia give her embarrassment because they don't look neat and symmetrical may not realize that whatever her appearance, it will probably turn her sexual partner on and arouse him and excite him. If she can stop being self-judgmental and surrender herself to the experience she's having right now, then the extended wave of ecstatic pleasure can be very healing -- and incidentally, the same is true for men, particularly men who have had bad experiences with women in their lives. Meeting a woman who's invested in giving you pleasure with no expectation of return, except possibly the pleasure she experiences herself from doing so, can be very healing indeed at a profound level. So if you happen to be a woman who's embarrassed about the noise she makes when she comes, forget it. If you're embarrassed about how you look when you come, forget it. If you're embarrassed about the possibility of leaking ejaculate or urine when you reach orgasm, forget it. Just accept that your body is unique and it will respond in different ways from everybody else's; and, if you're a woman being pleasured by a man, bear in mind that whatever you do, your orgasm is likely to be very exciting for him. (Despite our good intentions in trying to encourage men to stop regarding the successful pleasuring of a woman as an ego trip, the fact remains that men do get a great deal of pride and esteem out of bringing woman to orgasm.) What happens if you want an extended orgasm and you can't get one? The answer is you keep trying, and this may involve finding a partner with whom you can enjoy this experience and whom you can trust, and it may involve some exercises to increase your comfort level with your body and to help yourself become fully orgasmic. Bear in mind that very few women reach orgasm during intercourse, and very, very few reach orgasm consistently during intercourse: many women cannot reach orgasm at all, and to do so may require a little bit of practice and time. The first step of course lies in the acceptance of your body, and the second step lies in acceptance of whatever feelings and sensations you enjoy when pleasuring or being pleasured. For both men and women, being relaxed when they reach orgasm can be a new experience -- we tend to experience orgasms with a lot of thrashing around, and certainly it's true that this type of orgasm can feel very good and be quite dramatic. But the truth is that the more tense you are, the less sexual energy can flow around your body, and the less blood can flow easily around your genitals. By relaxing, you will feel a lot more and you'll expand the orgasmic experience a lot more. Relaxation of the pelvic muscles gives you the possibility of an extended orgasm which is much more intense than anything you've experienced before, but it does require a certain amount of training to relax, and your partner must know how to give you the stimulation that you need to achieve this. How, then, are you going to learn to relax your body? The technique called "pushing out" can help you learn to relax. For a woman, the simplest way to practice this is to place a small vibrator in the vagina and push it out -- you may need to push out for a couple of seconds before you relax. If you are worried about peeing (or anything else) go to the bathroom before you try this. Once you are able to push things out of your vagina, your body will automatically relax as you do it. And you can actually push out when you feel tense to make yourself relax. The Bodanskys recommend pushing out during intercourse, because they say that it can help to prevent the penis pushing against the cervix. It also apparently encourages the vagina to fit snugly around the penile shaft which feels much nicer for both partners. Learning to relax like this will give you different sensations when you come -- and although initially it may feel less intense than thrashing about, in the end it will give you a more intense orgasm. You have to get used to being relaxed during orgasm, and you have to allow your body to, well, literally relax into, the experience. Perseverance will pay off with wonderful feelings. We should also mention the fact that extended climax can lead to a full body orgasm. Sexual energy flows around your body; it literally feels like energy pulsating in waves down your arms and legs and your fingers and toes, and if you can bring it up into your mind and your heart, you may be able to connect them with your genitals, your heart and your brain, a situation which leads to a very wonderful and almost ecstatic experience. How is this achieved? Well, these are advanced techniques, admittedly, although with someone pleasuring you who knows about them, and who has an open flow of energy around their own body, they are actually not at all difficult to achieve. The keys for the person receiving the pleasure are relaxation, acceptance, and openness. That means not shutting down when the experience begins to feel different, and it means using breathing techniques to draw the energy around the body with an air of expectation and confidence. The connection between the genitals and the rest of the body can be helped by using visualization to imagine the energy flow going up your spine, and around your arms and legs. Worrying about whether you are actually experiencing it, whether it's going to flow or not, is not helpful: once again, you just have to be accepting of what happens. Accepting your experience and practicing repeatedly will lead you to develop your ability very quickly: but as always, the goal in any one session of extended pleasuring is simply that -- extended pleasuring in the moment, in that session. The main factor which determines whether or not you experience extended orgasm in whole body is your intention, your desire to experience something that your body is capable of, even tough you may have to work at it. In particular, you may have to work at connecting your brain to your body and letting the orgasmic energy flow from the genitals up into your heart and mind. There is no shortage of experienced people who can give you help here, and it's great fun to practice and develop this skill for yourself. Go for the pleasure, not the success, is what the Bodanskys say -- going for "success" and not "pleasure" may deprive you of both. And finally, for those of you who don't want to give up control, whether that takes the form of thrashing your body around, moving your hips, getting excited, or refusing to surrender control to your partners, we would simply say that while every kind of sex is good, if you really want to enjoy having your orgasm to the full you have to surrender to the person who's pleasuring you. You have to trust them to do what they're doing in a way that will get you to the place you want to be. If they're not doing it adequately, then you have to train them to do it how you want. And it's also up to you to remain still and calm and relaxed, and allow them to do the pleasuring for you, rather than responding to it with tension and excitement as you may have done in the past. The Basic Techniques Of Sexual Pleasure Advanced sexual pleasure techniques
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