Men and Women, Sex and OrgasmTraining from Effect If you've spent some time doing your sensuality exercises and have learned how and where you like to be touched, and if you've found someone you'd like to have pleasure you, it's easy to teach them to touch you just the way you like it. Here's a simple, straightforward method. This system works in all situations, not only in the bedroom, where you wish to teach, train, or instruct someone to do something for you. The first step is to verbally approve of something that you enjoy about the person whom you wish to train. You could tell them, "You're wonderful" or "I really like pleasuring things with you" or any positive statement about them and the situation that the two of you are currently experiencing. The second step is to ask them to do something at which they can succeed. For example, ask, "Would you rub my left foot?" The third step is to acknowledge their efforts to respond to this request. Acknowledge them as soon as they've responded to you, no matter how small their effort, by saying, for example, "Your hands feel good." Here's an example. You have agreed with your partner that you will be effect and they will be cause. As in the exercise above, it's a good idea to determine beforehand the amount of time that your session will last. Then you can begin the three-step training cycle: Step 1: You begin the training by telling your partner something positive: "I am so glad that you have agreed to rub on me." Step 2: Then you ask your partner to do something specific. "I'd love it if you would rub on my clitoris." Step 3: Approve of their attempt to respond to your specific request. Suppose that, after Step 2, you find that your partner is rubbing your belly button rather than your clitoris. You still go to Step 3 and find something good to say: "Thank you for touching me. I love pleasuring sex with you." Then you go back to Step 1 and find something to approve: "You have such a nice touch." Then you can ask them, "Will you please rub about six inches lower?" As soon as they head in that direction, let them know that they're succeeding by saying something like, "That feels really good; you have found my clitoris." Suppose that now they're on your clitoris but are rubbing only its hood. Go to Step 1: "You follow my instructions really well. That feels great." Step 2: "Will you pull back my hood and rub directly on my clitoris?" Step 3: "That's wonderful." You have to continue using the three steps until they are touching you exactly where and how you like to be touched. Step 1: "You touch me so well." Step 2: "I'd love it if you used some lube on your finger." Step 3:"You used just the right amount. The sensation is wonderful. It is spreading down my legs." If you continue with the training, your partner will rub you exactly the way you want. It is up to you to make it happen. Although this is a very effective method that works every time it's used correctly, many people still have a difficult time using it. The difficulty arises when people forget to include one of the steps of approval. Only give one instruction at a time. Don't ask to be rubbed faster and lighter or harder and to the left in the same breath. Each step is a separate sentence. For example, don't say, "That's great, and will you rub lighter?" Say, "That's great," and later, "Will you rub me lighter?" Later: "That's even better." You may want to use extra steps of approval and acknowledgment, but each request is best proceeded and followed by at least one statement of approval. The more a person feels approved of, the more willing they are to follow the next instruction. If you like the way a person touches you and you don't want them to do anything differently, let them know that as well. Tell them, "it feels great," "Your hand knows just how to touch me," "Your finger on my clitoris is perfect," or "Keep pleasuring that short, sweet stroke " Before this exercise begins and the partner touches you, you can show them - using your own hands - how and where you like to be touched. Remember, however, to do all teaching within the "approval sandwich." That is, let them know that they are winning before and after you instruct them. Use as much communication as you need to help them understand. The person who wishes to communicate something is responsible for ensuring the communication gets across to his or her partner. If both you and your partner know about training from cause and effect, you can do this exercise and the one above simultaneously. In either exercise, it's a good idea to practice the three-step training cycle described above, using a part of your body that feels less charged to you and moving to your genitals later. This allows couples to get used to talking about sex, and when they later reach the genitals, talking comes much more easily. This three-step training technique works in all facets of life. You can use it to teach your children, get your employees to work better, or get your employer to treat you better. The world is really short of approval and acknowledgment, and when anyone adds this simple technique to their life, they are able to achieve more and make the lives of those around them more rewarding. What to Say To be a great "partner" requires keeping as much of your action as possible in the present moment. This means that your mind must be clear. To be clear is analogous to an athlete being "in the zone." Your mind must be free of all extraneous thoughts. If you think about paying bills while pleasuring someone, your attention is obviously not on their orgasm. If you think about what you will do next or judge how you're pleasuring, you're out of the "zone." Really, thinking about anything other than your partner's orgasm and what you immediately feel while you are pleasuring puts you "out of your mind." Talking is a good way to keep your mind on what you are doing and keep yourself in the present moment. As long as you talk about what you're doing, what you're feeling, and what you notice about your partner, your attention is on your current actions. In some meditation retreats, participants must take a vow of silence. In the "Zen of pleasuring" you must take a vow of communication. When you're pleasuring a woman, it's a turn-on to describe any changes that you, the partner, may notice, including the color or engorgement of her genitals: "Your labia have turned a beautiful, shiny,
purple-red color." These statements are just examples, and as you start pleasuring more often, you will come up with your own style and "snappy patter." Any flattery about how beautiful she is or how wonderful she smells is also a turn-on: "Your face is glowing and is so beautiful." If you notice anything positive about her,
it's a great idea to report it to her: "Your contractions are getting more intense." "You are having strong abdominal ridging." Men don't care so much about being told how beautiful their penises look, but they do like to hear about how much their partners are turned on and how much pleasure their partners are having through touching their penises. If you can encourage your partner to appreciate and acknowledge the pleasure they feel, using as specific a description as possible and without needing to think too hard, they'll open themselves up for even more pleasure. Reporting their pleasure and wonderful feelings also helps your partner keep their focus on the now, on their present sensation. Their acknowledgements are also a way for them to "swallow" the pleasure that they've just experienced before they take another bite of ecstasy. Meanwhile, you too can acknowledge all the pleasure you feel as you pleasure them. Acknowledgement is missing, or at least underused, in our modern world, both in everyday life and in sexual life (where we have such difficulty in talking at all). Acknowledgement most benefits the person who does the acknowledging (although it's nice to be acknowledged as well). Because we don't often hear acknowledgement, we don't often offer it, and vice versa. If you are the "sexee" and your partner doesn't care if you acknowledge, it will benefit you to offer as much positive acknowledgement as possible anyway. Acknowledgement also helps you to avoid comparisons between past orgasms and the one you're currently experiencing. Making such comparisons traps you in the past, because your attention is on past experience rather than the present moment. But it's the present where you must remain in order to feel the most pleasure. It is okay to compare orgasms after your present one is over, but pleasuring so while you are having one is certain to keep you from getting higher. We've found that lots of acknowledgement and direct instructions usually take people higher. Tell your partner that you can feel lots of sensation in your finger and that you want them to feel even more. As soon as they go higher, let them know that you feel it as well. Tell them, "You feel great." Then you can tell them, "Take it even higher" or "That feels so good" or "You respond so well to instructions." If you feel that they are tensing up, you can say, "Relax your body," "Relax into my hand," or "Push out and then relax." Just giving the instruction causes them to relax. Two instructions that we use with advanced comers are "Fill the room with your orgasm" and "Blast the back wall." You can let your partner know that they don't have to do anything other than listen to the instruction. The person being pleasured does not have to exert any effort; they just have to listen, and their bodies usually respond by feeling more intensity and taking their orgasm to the next level. As we said earlier in the "Training from Cause" section, in addition to offering directions, it's always a good idea to report what you will do before you do it. When you rub your partner's body, avoid saying things such as "Oops!" or "Whoops!" Even if you slipped up, pretend that it was deliberate, that you know what you are doing. This allows your partner to feel that they are in good hands. If they trust that you know what you are pleasuring, they can put all their energy into feeling and their orgasm. Doubts about whether the partner knows what they are pleasuring divert energy away from the orgasm into self-protection. When our students have trouble because they bring bullshit into the bedroom with them, we tell them to leave it in a paper bag outside the room. When they're done with bedroom activity, they can always pick it up again, because they can be sure that no one's stolen it in the meantime. If you can't do this, you'll have to take care of whatever problems you have before learning to have extended orgasms. If, at any point during a sensual experience, you realize that you're "out of your mind," take a break and talk. Your partner's mind, more than likely, has gone somewhere else, too. If you can get back to present time before they do, they won't even know that you left and will appreciate that you got them to start feeling again so quickly. You can see now how important communication is in creating and having great orgasms. To get the most out of a sensual experience, it's important to talk about it before, during, and after the sex. Before you start touching your partner, we recommend that you discuss what you are going to do. Arrange any time restrictions and discuss any limits your partner may have. Talk about how you will use direct instructions and what your partner does or does not have to do. This can be done very pleasurably and can be a turn-on. Breaks are an opportunity to talk and check in with your partner in the midst of a sensual experience. How much you talk and what you talk about depend on the length of the break. If it is a short break, you might just say, "That was a great peak." If the break is a longer one, you can talk in detail about what you and your partner just felt. This could be a good time to evaluate and compare the orgasm, as opposed to doing that while you are stroking. Tell your partner what you plan to do next and how you expect them to respond. You can even tell them that you want them to quickly return to the point at which you just left them and to go higher from there. Find out if there is any special thing or stroke that they would like. Talking about the pleasuring after it's over also adds to the experience. This is where specific acknowledgements are especially vital, as they give you something to remember and help you rekindle your feelings later. It's a good time to evaluate the orgasm and express gratitude for the experience. You can both talk about your favorite parts of the experience and find out if there's anything you can do next time to make it even better. You can pleasure someone with all kinds of fancy strokes and techniques. The best orgasms are produced, however, by uncomplicated, simple, and repeated strokes. If you feel that you have to get fancy and complicate your stroking, that is probably due to your partner's lack of feeling. If you realize instead that the only time that exists is the present, you'll keep your attention on what's happening now. By communicating what you notice, acknowledging, encouraging your partner to acknowledge and giving direct simple strokes, you can produce great pleasure. Pleasuring someone is an art, but receiving
an extended orgasm is an art as well. To feel as much as possible, you
must be very relaxed. You must communicate your pleasure and surrender
your nervous system into your partner's hands. One of the most important
skills of the person being pleasured is the ability to appreciate the
uniqueness of their own body and sexual experience. We've seen lots of
genitals in our work. They all look different. Everyone also seems to come
differently. To think that you "lose" because your genitals look different
than someone else's or because you come differently than someone else does
is foolish and unrealistic. The best orgasm is the unique one that you
yourself feel. Measuring yourself against someone else and using that
person as your standard are sure ways to make yourself lose. The fact that
someone else has a large clitoris or penis doesn't mean that they come
well. If yours is tiny, that doesn't mean you can't come well either.
You'll also lose if you measure your current orgasm against some past,
fondly remembered orgasm. Each orgasm is different. In order to feel the
most, you must put your attention on the pleasurable sensations you feel
right now. After witnessing a woman demonstrate an extended orgasm, many women respond that they themselves would like to have one. They wonder how long it will take them to be able to have one and how to go about doing it. There is no specific timetable: Some women are more orgasmic than others, and some women are more resistant than others. We've never met a woman who remained non-orgasmic after she had learned either to masturbate or get pleasured. These techniques enable everyone to experience an orgasm, but only about 30 percent of women have any orgasms during intercourse, and even fewer women have orgasms every time they have intercourse. If you're not orgasmic now or if you want to improve the orgasms you do have, the first step is to approve of whatever sensations and feelings you now have. Don't set a goal for yourself of some big, explosive orgasm at the end of a sensual act. The next step is to learn about your own body. The best ways that we know to achieve this are described in the "Sensuality Exercises" section. Once you know how and where you like to be touched, you can teach your partner or friend how to touch you. Many women worry that they will not be able to experience an extended orgasm and are adverse to abandoning the tensed-up orgasms that they now have. Of course, we don't want anyone to give up anything. We hope that they'll add extended orgasms to their old ways of coming. But because being relaxed rather than tense feels different than a woman's usual orgasm, she may think at first that the intensity of her orgasms has decreased. If she senses this, we tell her not to give up and to try this new kind of orgasm again. We remind her to relax more and trust that her body will be able to feel without needing to tense. We also remind her that she needs to practice this new way of coming. Every student whom we've trained has been able to feel a lot more and to expand his or her orgasms once they've adjusted to a new way of coming. Once you realize the possibility of a longer, more intense orgasm, you'll automatically experience more sensation. Also, once you have taught your partner how and where you like to be touched, you can relax more. Relaxing your body is one of the most important parts of achieving an extended orgasm. When your body is tensed, blood flow to the genitals is constricted and less blood and oxygen are supplied to the nerves and muscles involved in your orgasm. Pushing out is a relaxation technique that has been successfully used by many women and even some men. Basically, it involves pushing out the sphincter muscles used in urination and defecation. Women can practice this technique by placing a small, clean, plastic bottle in their vaginas and then pushing it out. You need to push out for only a couple of seconds; then you can relax again. Make sure that you've gone to the bathroom before practicing this technique, as it can make you pee. Some people place a large towel under their buttocks just in case. Once you've gotten the knack of pushing out, your body will automatically relax as you do it. Any time that you feel tense, push out to relax. Pushing out is also beneficial during intercourse. Usually, arousal causes the vaginal walls to balloon out, which tends to shorten the vagina. This can cause the penis to bang against the cervix, which is not only unpleasant but possibly painful. Pushing out prevents this, and it collapses the vaginal walls so that they touch the penis on all sides. This is a much nicer, snugger fit. The opening to the vagina also opens up, so it is not as tight around the penis. Another essential skill is familiarity with the clitoris. Despite what Freud thought, all orgasms are clitoral. As we've said the upper left quadrant is often the most sensitive part of the clitoris. Once you're familiar with this "spot" as well as the rest of your clitoris, you can connect it to the rest of your body via the "Connections" exercise. This will enable you to experience a full-body orgasm. Some women describe extended orgasms as feeling like an electric current that enters the circuit of their bodies through their heads and leaves through their genitals, fingers, and toes; others say that they feel the orgasm originating in their clitoris and spreading outward from there, down their legs, up into their abdomen, and beyond. Don't worry about how you're doing or how you compare to someone else. That will only make your orgasm decrease. The more attention that you focus upon simply feeling, the more you will feel. If fantasizing is pleasurable, that's okay. Verbally acknowledging pleasure is also helpful in taking you to the next level. Make your acknowledgements, as specific as possible: "Your light stroke on my spot feels electric and spreads down to my toes" or "Your thumb on my introitus makes me feel surrounded." As you practice, keep approving of whatever orgasms you experience and remember that your only goal is immediate pleasure. The only way to get there is to practice, practice, and practice. By pleasuring yourself and getting pleasured frequently, you'll expand your orgasms. We've known some women who, while training to experience an extended orgasm, orgasmed close to ten times a day. (These women eventually learned to have extended orgasms so well that they literally changed the lives of people who witnessed them.) Of course, quantity alone won't make your orgasms more outstanding. You must have the desire to experience a great deal of pleasure, and it must become a priority in your life. The stroke that can produce an extended orgasm in one woman might be completely ignored by another. The true difference between the women is desire, willingness, and training. We've met other women who apparently orgasmed quite well yet were unable to feel it. Their bodies worked fine, but they weren't hooked up to their brains. After a bit of training, they were able to connect the two and experience sensational pleasure. The higher the priority that you, as a woman or a man, give to pleasure, the more you will be able to feel. If, however, you see success as your ultimate goal in getting pleasure or pleasuring, you'll actually move farther away from pleasure. Orgasmic success comes with practice, but the goal of that practice must be immediate pleasure, not some great future orgasm. You will be successful if you go for the pleasure, but you may not feel the pleasure if you go for the success. All of us like sex and are able to have orgasms but some find it difficult to give up control. They move their bodies around, thrash their hips when they get excited, and refuse to surrender to their lovers. Any kind of sex is good, of course, but to achieve an extended orgasm, you must surrender to the person pleasuring you. If you don't trust them to do their job properly, it's up to you to teach them how to do you. You must also remain still and relaxed and allow them to pleasure you. Each time you move, you demonstrate that you're trying to take back control, and that's not surrender. Remember that you really want to surrender. You are surrendering to your own pleasure, not surrendering to some person who will make you do things that you don't want to do. All they want is to give you a great orgasm, but if you refuse to let go of the controls, they can't give you that pleasure. Being pleasured puts you in a vulnerable place, but it is the only place where you can have more pleasure than you ever dreamed you could.
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