Men and Women, Sex and OrgasmBringing Your Partner Down We have given you a lot of information on ways to bring your partner up (tumesce them) and extend the orgasm. It is also important to know how to bring someone down (detumesce them), as it is very pleasurable and helps them to function better after their sensual experience is over. You bring someone down by intending them to come down. You also use a slower, firmer touch. Bring a woman down by placing your hand over her pubic bone and simply applying a bit of pressure. Bring a man down through firm pressure on his body: abdomen, chest, thighs, forehead, feet, almost anywhere except on his cock. Don't use much pressure at first; add more pressure slowly if your partner desires it. If you still feel contractions and sensations in your hand, there is orgasm that can be had on the down side as well as on the way up. At this point, you might want to peak them, bringing them up a bit with some stroking and then reapplying firm pressure to take them down another level. You can actually do quite a few peaks on the way down, although most people don't because they have a prejudice against "down" as opposed to "up." Some people just stop altogether after their partner is no longer going up - they're missing a fun part of the ride. Of course, nothing bad will happen to your partner if you have to quit before they come down all the way. After a person has had an extended orgasm, they're able to function perfectly well, perhaps even better than usual. They are refreshed, look beautiful, glow, and feel glorious. When bringing down someone who's had a tensed-up orgasm - a man who's ejaculated, for example - you'll find that they generally don't want their genitals touched at all afterward. The more relaxed their orgasm, the longer you can keep touching them. A wonderful "bringing down" technique for women is the "pull-up". Insert your two middle fingers, both facing up, inside the vagina and under the pubic bone. Separate them so you don't squeeze the urethral canal, and then pull both fingers upward at the same time while you press the palm of your "pleasuring" hand downward on her pubic bone. You can hold this position for a number of seconds, and some women have strong contractions as you do this. Only insert your fingers if your partner agrees to it, however. After bringing your partner down to a functional level, you can end the orgasm with a wonderful toweling off. We like to use soft washcloths. Fold them in half and then, starting from the perineum, slowly bring the cloth up, using moderate to firm pressure (depending on what pressure your partner prefers). Pass the cloth over the inner lips and finally over the clitoris and its hood. She will probably have some more contractions, especially when you go over the clitoris. The clitoris has probably now gone back under the hood and become less engorged. Wipe off all the excess lubricant or ejaculate. We have known some people who like to use warm water on the washcloth first and then use a second dry one. This is not necessary, but it can be fun, too. You can towel men off as well. Most men to whom we've talked prefer that women dab the towel on their cock after they've ejaculated, rather than rubbing the towel as on a woman's genitals. The extent to which you bring someone down after pleasuring depends on who it is and what they will be doing next. If you pleasure someone who has to go to work immediately afterward, it's a good idea to bring them down all the way. Some women like to stay up there after being pleasured, and if she's not operating any heavy machinery or driving a car, let that choice be hers and just towel her off. Sometimes she might want to come down by having intercourse (the time just after pleasuring by hand is great for intercourse), or she might not want to come down until she pleasures you. Eating is another way to come down - after a great orgasm, food tastes better than ever. We have just gone through quite a few important extended orgasm techniques. Incorporate as many of them as you can into your practice, and remember that you will probably have to reread some of the sections as you learn how to position your hands and exactly how to pleasure your partner. The more you pleasure, the more natural these techniques will become. In the next section, we will discuss how to "train" your partner and reveal communication techniques that win help you enhance your sensual experience. Training and Communication Training your lover and yourself is an essential part of learning to have extended orgasms. We have just described how to pleasure. We are now ready to describe some training and communication tools that are essential to pleasuring. These include training from both cause and effect, the art of getting pleasured, reporting what you notice, acknowledging the good stuff, and giving direct instructions. We also provide some techniques that will aid you in pleasuring a novice. Communication is essential because each couple must decide for themselves who will get pleasured and who will pleasure. Sometimes, when you have enough time, it's fun to play both parts. On the other hand, you don't have to reciprocate every time you get pleasured. We know many couples in which the man pleasures the woman (especially when she's first training) much more often than she does him. Sometimes the woman doesn't pleasure the man but instead has intercourse with him after she's been done for a while and is fully engorged. Pleasure is available in both roles. This section gives you some techniques that have worked successfully for helping your partner feel safe and cared for and asking them questions that they do not have to think too hard about in order to answer. The goal of both techniques is to learn more about how and where your partner likes to be touched. These techniques are valid for both men and women. When you pleasure someone, it's a good idea to help them feel as safe and tended as possible. As a pleasuring artist, your ultimate goal is to have the "sexee" surrender their nervous system into your hands. You reach this goal by controlling the environment in a way that enables them to relax and realize that they're in the hands of someone who can take care of any and all situations and surprises. You do this by communicating what you will do before you do it. For example, before you touch your partner or take your hands away from their body, you tell them what you plan to do. You tell them in advance that you will be responsible for any interruptions that arise, like ringing telephones or people knocking on the door. Let your partner know that you are there for them and that all they have to do is lie there and feel their bodies. Tell them that all they have to say is "yes" or "no" when you ask them a question. If they want anything, they should feel free to let you know. In order to find out how your partner likes to be touched, you have to ask questions. Now, because you want to keep them as close to total effect as you can, you want to keep your questions simple. A "yes" or "no" should be all the answer you require. Good questions include the following: "Would you like more pressure?" Don't ask multiple-choice or essay-type questions, because they make your partner think too much. In addition, your questions should produce "winning" answers. "Do you like this?" and "Does this feel good?" are not winning questions, because if the person says no, you might feel hurt. Your partner knows that, and so they might lie to preserve your feelings. Then things get sticky. Ask simple, winning questions so the person being done can stay at effect and easily answer you without worrying about your feelings. Do not change your stroke until your partner says yes. Then proceed in small increments. You're building trust and don't want to do anything that might surprise or upset your partner. If, for example, you ask them if they want more pressure and they say yes, use a bit more pressure at first and ask them again if they want more pressure. If they say yes, add another increment of pressure and ask again. Once they've said no to this question, you can ask if they'd like less pressure. If they say no to that, you know that you are using the exact pressure that they want at that time. Keep asking questions until you find their desired stroke. Once you have gotten the exact pressure, you can go on to ask about the exact speed, location, and length of the stroke, again using small increments. This teaches you how your partner likes to be stroked. During a pleasuring session, a person will want to be touched in different ways at different times. So although you may have found the perfect pressure, location, and speed at one point, this does not mean your partner won't want you to change the stroke later. Continue to ask questions throughout the session. Sometimes, you might ask your partner a yes-or-no question and find that they're unsure if they want you to alter your stroke. This happens more often when you're pleasuring someone who hasn't been pleasured often, but it can happen with anyone. Just continue with your stroke and ask another question. It's a good idea to agree beforehand on how long the training session will last. You can agree upon ten or fifteen minutes, or perhaps the length of a certain piece of music. When the time has elapsed, let your partner know that the session is over. If you both agree to extend the time, that's fine also. You can choose less charged areas than the genitals to train with at first. This is a good way for people who have difficulty talking explicitly about sex to get used to expressing themselves. Have your partner describe the area and boundary that they would like to have stroked. An example could be a left inner thigh from the knee to one inch below the pubic hair. You still ask the same questions, using small increments of change. Remember to inform your partner when you are going to put your hand on them and when you are going to take your hand away, along with any other information that will help them feel taken care of. Once you know your partner and have become experienced at pleasuring, you will no longer have to constantly ask them questions. If, at any time, you feel like asking them a question, go ahead. Although you may not ask as many questions in the future, you still want to keep the communication lines open. You should also continue to tell them what you will do before you do it, so that they'll feel safe, and tell them that you'll take care of outside distractions like the phone. And, as a pleasuring artist, you'll also continue to acknowledge all pleasurable feelings and describe signs of orgasm and your and your partner's turn-ons. These deliberate training sessions are the best way that we know to find out how your partner likes to be touched. After you've read through the section, read "Training from Effect," below - if you combine the directions given in these sections, you'll learn about your partner's body much more quickly.
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