Men and Women, Sex and OrgasmPeaking Peaking - which we've mentioned in the discussion above - is a technique that we use to extend and intensify an orgasm. You've learned where to rub and what pressures to use, but peaking is another secret that you can use to keep an orgasm going. You back off or quit altogether before the person who's getting pleasured - the "sexee" - wants you to stop. Once this happens, they will be open to more rubbing and a longer orgasm, and you can start bringing them up again. We call this technique backing off and starting, or, more simply, peaking. Peaking is similar for men and women "sexees," and peaking techniques can be used by both partners, unless we specifically say that the technique is intended for just one sex. If you rub your partner without stopping, your partner either has a quick orgasm, begins to perceive your touch as painful, or stops feeling your touch altogether. Rubbing a person in the same way on the same area causes their nerves to go numb and stop firing. Then the person feels no more sensation. That's not something you want to happen, as your partner will trust you less and feel less inclined to repeat the experience. When peaking your partner, you stop or change the stroke just before they either go over or stop feeling. Peaking allows tumescence to build. Each time you peak your partner, it allows the energy to reach a higher level. You can peak your partner via various techniques. Any time you change a rhythmic, steady stroke by introducing a different pressure or different speed or changing the area you stroke, you bring someone down. You can also deliberately bring someone down by using firm pressure, without moving. Perhaps the simplest way is to remove your hand from their body altogether. This can be done for a split second, a few seconds, or even a few minutes, depending on how you feel things are going. Then you can return to the old, steady, dependable stroke, and they will go back up. You do not want to change the stroke every few seconds. Your goal is to get them as high as you can. Another fun way to peak a woman is to bring her up with a short stroke on the clitoris and then peak her by dipping your finger down to her inner lips and vaginal introitus, lubricating your finger with her juices, and slowly bringing your finger back up to her clitoris. The most important part of bringing someone down is your intention. If you use your intention correctly, you can bring your partner down with almost the same stroke that you used to bring them up. Changing or quitting the stroke just before your partner is ready to go down puts you in control of their orgasm. It also gives you a chance to take breaks, which is an essential part of pleasuring. Some people think that they shouldn't take any breaks, that breaks spoil what's happening. This isn't true. Breaks are a great time to talk and ask questions, and they help you take your partner higher. Breaks give the participants a chance to feel more. As you get better and more experienced at pleasuring, you'll naturally learn when and how long to break. There's no wrong time for a break; it's better to break too often than not often enough. "Newcomers" may need to take frequent or lengthy breaks, but experienced, advanced comers may not need to take many or have them last very long. The length of time that you wait before bringing your partner back up depends on what you feel. There is no formula to fall back on. Sometimes, if the woman or man is getting off really well, you may only take a split-second break before continuing to bring them up. You can do this for a number of peaks, and as long as they respond to your touch with pleasure, there is no reason to lengthen the breaks. The peaks themselves (the length and intensity of the orgasm between breaks) can last from a couple strokes to a number of minutes, and the breaks can also be short or long. To know how long to wait, you have to pay attention and notice your partner's orgasmic intensity at all times. Sometimes women are such "hold-outs" that
they wait till the last peak before they get off well. (In general, men
don't resist as much.) You can tease her by saying that the peak you're
giving her is the last one, and if she responds well to that, repeat that
line on the next peak. Sometimes women wait till they think the touching
is over before their defenses drop. At this point, you want to bring her
up again, and this just might give her a higher peak than she'd bargained
for. This "trick" has worked on more than one woman who really wanted to
have a great orgasm but whose fears made her feel less. When you trick a
woman into a great time, she will appreciate your art. Talking while you're pleasuring is a good way to help yourself read the orgasm. Say, "I can feel you going up," "You are still going up," "You are going higher," or "Your intensity is increasing." When you don't feel your partner responding to your words or going higher, you know it's time for a break. Sensation also tells you when to peak. As you touch your partner's genitals, you feel the sensation in your finger and hands. If the sensation feels pleasurable and gets stronger, that means your partner is going up. If it feels less pleasurable, they're going down. Visual cues also help - for example, you can tell that a man is about to ejaculate when the head of his cock becomes bigger and more bulbous and turns a deeper red-purple color. This secondary erection occurs just a few seconds before take-off. Reading these sensory cues is one of the most difficult extended orgasm techniques to master, but with a just a little practice, you'll become more adept at it. When you find yourself wondering whether to peak your partner or stop rubbing, you've already missed your first opportunity to "quit" them before they quit you. Your attention has already moved from their orgasm into your head. This is normal for someone who's learning how to pleasure, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. Take a break and start talking. You can even tell your partner that you felt them going away and ask them what they were thinking about. This is a good question because there's a connection between your lapse of attention and what they experience. Regain control of this situation by getting into agreement with it and noting aloud that your partner has left. This way, you can regain their confidence. You must not blame your partner for going down. To fight them and try to get them to go up when they are going down is self-defeating. Again, all is not lost, and you can recover by getting into agreement with the situation and communicating what you feel to your partner. Peaking - stopping right before your partner wants to stop -- demonstrates to your partner that you have your attention on them and makes it easier for them to surrender their orgasm to you. As you become a better "pleasuring" artist, peaking will become one of the many tools that help your partner have more intense orgasms (other techniques include talking, trusting and reporting your feelings, describing her body, relaxing, pushing out, attention, and intention). All of these tools can also help your partner have longer orgasms you can help them feel and come on the first stroke and continue for many minutes or even hours. Another way to lengthen an orgasm is to deliberately agree with your partner that you'll pleasure them for a specific period of time that is longer than the period of their usual orgasm. (This technique is only useful if you're familiar with your partner and have frequently pleasured them before.) If you usually pleasure them for ten minutes, agree to pleasure them for fifteen or twenty minutes. If that goes well, you can later try thirty or more minutes. When you have longer sessions, it's more important than ever to keeping communicating. Most of the time, my partner and I pleasure each other for about fifteen minutes. Sometimes we do it longer and sometimes we only do it for a couple of minutes. It's a good idea, especially when you're first training, to keep the pleasuring on the short side. Some new students have had their partners rub on them for an hour or more. Unless they're great at communicating and taking lots of breaks, what probably happens during such sessions is that both the "partner" and "sexee" space out and don't feel for a good part of that hour. Signs of Orgasm When a woman gets off really well, you feel it in the thumb of your hand by her introitus and in your pleasuring finger. She has strong contractions by both her introitus and anus. These contractions are so numerous that they aren't countable. She may experience abdominal ridging, which is similar to a wave of energy passing through her abdominal area. Her abdomen contracts and undulates in waves that can be small, quite extreme, or anything in between. Ridging is involuntary; it's part of the orgasm and shouldn't be interpreted as tensing or thrashing. Ejaculatory fluid may or may not come out of her vagina. Your pleasuring finger feels her sensation directly from her clitoris, which may even feel somewhat like electrical impulses. Sounds that might be described as moans may come from her throat. Her genital area, face, and neck are engorged with blood. Her nipples may be aroused. She may glisten with perspiration. Her heart rate and breathing may increase. Her fingers and toes may spread. These are all signs of orgasm, and she will have some, if not all, of these signs. Men have many of these signs, too, including contractions in the penis and genital area and the release of ejaculatory fluid.
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