Men and Women, Sex and Orgasm
Starting off on the road to extended orgasm
You might want to begin by exploring the clitoral glans and testing different parts of it to find out which is the most sensitive.
When you've discovered this (and you'll be able to judge it by her reaction to your touch), use short strokes with the very tip of your fingers in a way that seems to make her experience the most intense sensation.
This usually means using short strokes, because longer strokes which extend over the clitoris and down onto the vulva can actually reduce her arousal and take her down from a peak of arousal rather than up towards it.
(That's a useful technique to know and she's had an orgasm during sex and you're bringing her back to her normal resting state of arousal, but it's obviously unhelpful at the point where you're building up to an extended orgasm.)
Use short strokes, gently playing across the head of the clitoris. Remember that what you're aiming to achieve is ever-increasing waves of sexual pleasure, which are in themselves almost like mini-orgasms.
You might have experienced this before when pleasuring your woman if she has said something like "I didn't want to come, it was so pleasurable, I just wanted it to go on forever." That's the state that you're trying to achieve here, before you give her the final orgasmic crescendo after which she'll be able to come down to her normal resting level of arousal.
If you're not actually sure of where you are or what you're doing when stimulating her clitoris, it's perfectly acceptable to stop and have a look at what's going on: this will enable you to maintain closer contact with her, both physically and emotionally, and you can then pay closer attention to her emotional state once you're confident that you're actually stimulating the right point on her clitoris.
Of course one of the challenging things about giving somebody an extended orgasm is that there are as many ways of touching a woman as there are women in the world (well almost!).
So you have to discover what the woman you're pleasuring actually likes: she may like a light touch, she may like a firmer touch - and as always, there are different strokes for different folks!
And what's more she'll like a different pressure from time to time, both during one session of pleasuring, and between different sessions of pleasuring.
The Bodanskys recommend that you touch her clitoris as though you were touching a delicate fabric like velvet or silk: imagine touching one of these fabrics with the tip of your finger just for the sake of the sheer sensuous pleasure that it can give you.
This is something like the kind of experience you need to be aiming for when you touch her clitoris: such an approach increases your sensitivity, your sensuality, and your awareness of what you're doing to her.
And another level of awareness that you must apply to this experience of orgasm is to be aware of what's happening to her emotionally and mentally.
It's important that you show her that you're aware of these things by communicating clearly with her whenever you sense her awareness diminishing or wavering.
Being in the same mental space as her isn't hard, because the very act of stimulating her to extended orgasm will produce an altered state of consciousness in you, one in which you become more aware of your partner's emotions, and more connected to her on what may almost be a spiritual level.
So you've found out which is the most sensitive part of her clitoral glans, and you're stroking it with short strokes using plenty of lubricant.
You may well be anchoring her clitoris in place with a finger or a finger and thumb of one hand, and things seem to be going well, in that her arousal seems to be increasing. You can find some notes here on how to have a great orgasm with or without intercourse using stimulation by hand.
What next? Well you're going to apply the technique of peaking, but before we describe that, remember that you should also be stroking the inside of her vagina with the fingers of your spare hand.
This will add to the pleasure she feels, and will increase the stimulation which you apply to her vagina.
You want to move your fingers slightly apart so that if she's lying on her back, you're massaging the upper wall of her vagina at one o'clock and eleven o'clock: this way you avoid putting too much pressure on the urethral canal, which can be uncomfortable.
Her vagina is probably well lubricated already if you're paying the right sort of attention to her clitoris, but it's always a good idea to add extra lubrication so that you can use vigorous or at least fairly firm movements of your fingers over her G spot.
Remember, however, that it is always the stimulation of her clitoris which will make her most aroused, and G spot stimulation is complementary.
It's the clit that counts when you're increasing her pleasure and moving her further up the cycle of orgasmic arousal.
It's also possible to stimulate her anus with your little finger (which will not be doing much): however if you do this, remember to make sure that you don't then put this finger into her vagina so you don't get any cross infection.
Finally, there are some women who are just not orgasmic, for a variety of reasons ranging from the clitoral glans being permanently covered by the clitoral hood to childhood sexual abuse.
For such non-orgasmic women, a first step to extended orgasm might be a training program designed to show a woman how to have orgasms. We recommend the one published here.
For women who want to pleasure their man.
Although women often find it difficult to relinquish control to a man because they feel so vulnerable when they're naked on a bed in front of him, men are generally very willing to give up control to a woman provided she is firm and clear enough about what she's doing.
So, therefore, the first thing you might need to do if you're a woman wishing to know how to pleasure a man is to tell him to lie still and let you take charge.
This level of assertiveness might be new to you, but it will certainly be appreciated by your man if he is convinced that you're actually setting out to give him greater pleasure.
One way that you can do this is to have him lie down on the bed and then get hold of his erection with one hand whilst running strokes from top to bottom over it and around the glans of his penis with the other hand.
If he starts moving, simply tell him quite directly and firmly to stop moving. If he wants to ejaculate, as he probably will, remind him that you'll ejaculate him when you're good and ready to do so; for the moment he should focus on the pleasure that your strokes are giving him.
Oil is a good lubricant to use on a man in this situation but if you do so, make sure that you put a towel underneath his buttocks so that the oil won't stain the sheets.